Friday, November 12, 2004
Just abit of what i've been thinking for last night. It's getting me confuse, and causing alot of mixed emotions. want to write it here so i can forget about it.
I hate my parents. Are they made to irritate the hell out of me? I cant stand them! They love to nag and scold and not understand what i'm thinking or why am i doing somethings such that i dont find it necessary to have a reason to explain for doing what i want. Like jon, i cant wait for o's to be over. so that i can stay away from them. I wont regret if anyone of them dies. No tears! i swear! If there are, it'll be tears of joy! NO DOUBT! But, i rather die first. What for wait for them to die. No sucidal thoughts. Just what i'm thinking. I would like to die in a plane crash. Not on purpose. just part of my dream of becoming a pilot. Make it an accident. A complete dream...with an ending.
Went out last night. Just downstairs to talk to jon. we talked from 10pm to almost 1am. Both of us just didnt feel like going home yet. his mum nearly came down to look for us, but he lied and told her he's going home soon. she sure is a pest.
My mum got angry cause i went home late. she was waiting for me. I got irritated with her cause she started nagging and raising her voice. is that some kind of way to get me to explain why am i so late? I always go out late and never once did i told her before what time will i be back! she also didnt even tell me what time must i be home! I was only downstairs! with JON! not anyone she duno! WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT!!! she said i should at least tell her i'll be back late. BUT, HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW IF SHE NEVER TELL ME THAT BEFORE! I ALREADY TOLD HER WHERE AM I GOING AND SHE WOULD KNOW THAT I'LL BE WITH JON! who else would i be with downstairs?! cant be chermaine cause i dont go down late at night just to talk to her!
you cant expect me to not get angry when she shout and nag at me right? I dont care whoever that person is. Once i get nag at, i'll ignore you. I've tried very hard to control. I did! but what for?! I hate being nag at! If i hadnt control my anger, there would have been more quarrels between me and her.
my definition of nag = shouting something over and over again; not talking nicely to get things your way!
My days are quite packed after o's. 22nd...last paper. after tt maybe going out 2 get somethings. 23rd...SYFC registration. going with dan, aini n other 4/6 ppl. 24th...have to go back to school for some talk. hope its not helen lie talking, but it should be her...who else will? then sometime from 24th until 30th, might be going to some part of malaysia with my chinese tutor...this better not get 2 jon's mum. her going along will spoil fun. 30th to 11th dec, going obs. After that, dunno where i'll be, but anywhere is fine as long as its not in bedok. Haiz...where else? not in punggol that means in serangoon. hougang also can...sun jie's hse. abit boring there but better than nothing. sg is really small. i cant go anywhere. plus the fact that i'm still schooling, not working. part time job wont give me enough to stay away.
Sof also being unreasonable! after dinner he called me. i wanted to go out and ask what, but qi came so i ask her what. they were looking for remote control for the tv. i didnt see it what, so i just shouted out that i didnt see and he got angry. say what call me out then i cannot go out for a while is it. WHAT THE HELL IS THE PROBLEM WITH THESE PEOPLE???
You can actually sense problems coming sometimes. There is always a warning, but i can never get it until it has happened, than i realise it.
Somehow, you can also sense what your friends think of you. It weird. Might be paranoid, or over sensitive. I dont really care about this but, ... i just want to know it and not do anything about it.
whatever...what the hell is this about.
I wish i'm dumb. then i wont need to talk. Once i'm angry, i find it hard to control my attitude, and my tone when i'm talking. If i ignore them and shut up, i'm wrong. If i answer them, it becomes that i'm rude to my parents. Why must adults always be right?
Haiz...i dont want to go to cjc. its so damn bloody far! and i'm not rich enough to take a cab to school everyday. I dont want to go for 1st 3 mths! but if i dont go, i cant start my flying course asap!
Seems like no problem with my keyboard today? actually, its just that i found out how it can go back to normal. i just have to hold the key with ther shift key until comes out than its back to normal. thats why the day before, sometimes its working and sometimes its not. I got fustrated with the key, and was talking to some people on msn, so i hold it. i just realised it yesterday.
I want to take up horse riding. but everything i want or whatever i'm interested in cost a lot. Wish i can pay everything for myself. Its like damn weird asking for money, even though they are your parents. I always feel that i'm like always asking for too much. I'll make it another goal of mine to accomplish. just wait until i have enough money.
1st goal - to become a pilot
2nd goal - learn to ride a horse
3rd goal - open a dog farm.
I saw it on tv sometime before. They have it overseas. It's like a day care centre for kids. Just that its for dogs. For all busy "parents", they can leave their dogs at the farm. No locked-up cages. Open field for the dogs to play among themselves. only 1 rule. No cats.
Why the dog farm?
1) I think there's an age limit to stay as a pilot.
2) Interest?
3) The dogs are usually locked up at home when there's no one around. bored?
4) Dont think there's any in sg currently.
I got another feeling that someone is bound to steal this idea. Just hope its someone i know. Than i can work there :P
Ham died on the 9th. Snuffles came on the 9th. => dead and alive 9th nov.
wanted to call it ham2...but brings back different memories and impression of it. snuffles is very active, and he bites. alot. cant hold him w/o him biting my hand all the time. he's busy biting the cage now. think his teeth growing.
10days to end of o's.
I've been thinking about a chalet with friends, overnight and whatever for very long, but forget it. No one can ever decide on anything. including me of cos. i'll never want to take charge in doing anything. you'll never feel satisfied. cause it can never be done. Maybe that's why obs came in. New ppl, new environment. and short term o_O
I'll never know whats going to come out of me. so how do the others know me? or do they not know me?
I have plans. But they like to interfere, and spoil it.
I dont like to express my feelings and thoughts. I'm invisible. I like it this way. I dont want attention. and i'm not looking for it.
I dont know what i want.
I seem to know myself, but i dont.
That's me. or maybe not.
If this is the bit of what i'm thinking of, then i must have been thinking alot... until i'm sick of it. You dont need to understand all this shit here. I dont even understand it.
Just trying to get it off my mind.
Its a friday night and no one is online other than joe. how unusual.good thing anyway. I still cant get my thoughts straight. I dont want to talk, but i want to come online, on msn. maybe so that i wont feel something is missing?
Its very hard to express yourself to someone especially if that person dont understand you.
Something out of the blue??? a blog is useful sometimes;)
eh...whats wrong with me today? -_-
~Its hard to be someone. So, be yourself.~
If anyone is thinking that this is a hint or what,or i'm trying to tell you something, its not. just to let you all know.
well...i've got to be a little sensitive to others also right? eh...buti'm not applying this to everything.
~Do not be too bothered by others words if our conscience is clear~
You know what?? I'm glad i learn piano. Another form of enjoyment, another thing to do, a way to destress especially during exams, and a way to keep my mind from thinking too much. already completed half of canon! i'm getting addcited to it...cant wait to finish it and play it with more expression...just need to get my notes right now.
Damn sian. shall start geog tml. exams will be perfect w/o bio. i studied, i get pressure from myself, i get stress. still i cant do 2 qns. and i realise i have mistakes after the paper. it just suddenly came to my mind. the right answer came at the wrong time. I purposly dont wana check if the answers are right, and dont want to find out what others write, but it came from from myself. haiz. NO more bio for me.
damn...i'm scared i screw up my papers.
I dont want to face my results. My sciences are like... haiz. all are easy. but. its easy and you cant do. how would you feel? physics... i got very confused with the way they phrased the question. chem...its easy! but cant do some!!! bio...again...easy but careless. didnt think properly.
ok...the end of my thoughts...all these will be e past.
BYE! this feels like i'm draining my brain again! just lyk after bio paper...but not as bad as that day.
and now...the most i can do now is do well for the remaining papers. still got a bit of hope for science...paper 1 on 22nd. 3days to prepare.
kk...tt's all.
did i break a record??? Its long! 2.5 hrs on this...10.30pm liao.
Posted at 20:05
